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Monday, July 11, 2005


Do you know what I hate?

I hate scummy, dirty bastards who have no personal hygiene and who foist their problem onto other folk. More specific? Have you ever stopped at a service stations or garage and needed to go? I'm talking the full works here, not just a quick pee.

You enter a cubicle and you see the first act. The initial scene is set by the pools of urine all around the toilet bowl. Clearly we are dealing with individuals with bad aim. So you are going to get piss on your shoes; you can live with that though.

The story continues to unfold, however, with the introduction of more of the support cast. The seat is up. No problem, doesn't worry me, we are talking about a gents' toilet here. So you drop the seat and what do you see? Streaks of piss all over it. Some git has been letting rip all over the shop in here! Seriously foul and so you dive into the next cubicle.

Unfortunately, you quickly discover that they are all in the same situation. It appears to be a complete, matching ensemble: steel sheen or porcelain with piss to taste. The ultimate irony is the little sign that says that the toilets were checked for cleanliness some two minutes before. Was this scene orchestrated by the champion synchronised pissing team, on their way to the national championships with a desire to keep their dicks in? Was it a single pisser seing how many cubicles he could hit in a single spray from the back of the toilet? It would explain the pools on the floor.

So you bite the bullet and decide to wipe down the seat. This maneuver leads to the introduction of the star of the show. Your eyes clap onto the biggest turd known to man. It is gently floating in the pan, clearly deposited by someone with way too much fat in their diet. If you fished it out you would soon be surrounded by latte lovers trying to establish New Seattle. What disturbs you most though is the fact that it floats in urine coloured water yet there is no evidence of toilet paper -eugh! So you flush the little shit, and mercifully it disappears, after the sixth or seventh attempt.

So finally you sit down ready to go and with great satisfaction add your own unique contribution to the undersea ecosystem. But of course then you discover the twist in the final act: to much horror you find that your meticulous cleaning of the urine spattered toilet seat has left you with a piece of toilet paper some 3 inches square! Oh and now you realise that your sandals are very good at absorbing piss.

Dirty, filthy bastards.


Anonymous said...

I know that people have various random phobias, and your post brings to mind one of mine. I absolutely cannot take my "morning constitutional" anywhere but in a residential toilet, or my personal hotel room if I am travelling. I am practically phobic of public restrooms.


Kav said...

man, you're just weird! ;-)

Ebird said...

Kav, I could only get about half way through reading this post. - well I was eating my lunch at the time. Shouldn't you have posted some kind of warning regarding the content?

Kav said...

what can I say, take me as I come :-)
I apologise for putting you off your lunch and I shall attempt to append critical health hazard warnings in the future!